Eric and I are heading out on a cruise soon…one of the perks of being Empty Nesters. When the eaters leave, you tend to have extra funds. We are headed to the Carribean in a big ship with our own balcony – thankfully, since that may be the only place I’m comfortable in a bathing suit! This year has been a bit stressful and being the stress eater that I am, I have outgrown any summer clothes that I own…which is not many since although I live in San Diego, I’m a winter girl rather than a summer. Maybe at best..I’m a fall. I love boots and sweaters. Shorts have never been my friend as I inherited my mother’s legs. I literally have varicose veins in the same spot that she had. I am a Kentucky and Alabama girl that was raised in San Diego. Sturdy stock…until you bring out shorts and then I run in fear.
Thus began the plight of my big lady shorts. As the temperature is expected to be in the 80’s, it seemed prudent to bring at least a few pairs of shorts. I had one pair. And they were tight. So onto the JCPenney website where all of their summer wear was incredibly cheap…I’m talking between $5.00 and $6.00. I could do that. Even if I never wore them again and actually did lose my stress weight, there was no feeling of “What a waste of money!” They were practically disposable. Wear them and drop them off at the Goodwill or find another woman looking for a quick summer wardrobe in November. Now, how I ended up ordering 4 pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of capris and four shirts, pajamas and a beach cover-up, I’m not sure. I’ve always been an over-achiever.
I eagerly tracked my package to ensure that it would arrive on time, much to the amusement(?) of the JCPenney customer service. “It shows ‘shipped’ on my account but there is no tracking number.” “It is still in process but will be shipped tomorrow.” “But why is it showing complete?…it’s making me nervous.” I’m assuming the customer service rep was looking at what I ordered thinking…”Dear God…woman…you shouldn’t be wearing shorts anyway! You probably have your mothers legs!”
Finally…after about ten days, I got the email that they had shipped. They were arriving on the same day as my beautiful sun block hat (to avoid another chunk being taken out of my nose!) and a few bras. After receiving the alert that all items had been delivered, I raced home to find….my bras…crammed into my mailbox. (The underwire fortunately survived!) No box of big lady shorts. No sunblock hat. While I was happy to know that my chest would be well supported, I was sad to think that I would need to go pantless on the cruise…and a bit horrified for my fellow passengers.
I looked on the UPS website to see that they recommended walking around the house since, with the recent rash of thefts, UPS has gone to hiding the deliveries from would-be thieves. Nope…no boxes anywhere. I wasn’t sure whether to be angry or amused at the thought of someone opening the stolen box to find endless pairs of big lady shorts. I secretly hoped the thief was a size 4 and could fit her whole body in one leg. The next step, I was told, was to contact the vendor. I emailed Amazon and JCPenney….they very quickly refunded my money with an invitation to order again. Knowing that my big lady shorts would not arrive in time, I began looking for other options. I reordered my hat…no options there….I am attached to my nose. A dear friend who has lost weight offered up her big lady shorts and I gladly accepted. All was well in the universe.
A few nights ago, our garage flooded. Actually, not flooded. When I woke up, there was a pool of water right by the garage door…nowhere else. I assumed it had rained. But no…the ground outside was dry. Then my husband put it together. His golf clubs had fallen, knocking the hose from the washer out of the overfill tub, spilling water on the garage floor. In the heat of the night, most of the water evaporated with the exception of a pool right by the garage door. When we opened the door, out ran the water…proving that we have an excellent garage door seal! Eric ran to the backyard to find a broom to sweep the remaining water out. This is when he discovered what he thought was a random garbage bag sitting right next to the trash can. When he picked it up, he noticed the mailing label. He scanned the rest of the backyard to find another white bag lying in the dirt behind a small brick wall. UPS had, in fact, been hiding our bags from thieves…and unfortunately…us. A few inches more and they would have made it into the trash can…again, ensuring that no one would steal them!
I remember back to my mind scanning for the “box” which was not a box…it was a white bag that looked just like our white trash bags. I’ll remind you also that I’m 54 and half-blind. I opened the package with glee…albeit a little-embarrassed glee. I had to follow up with a phone call to JCPenney and Amazon to say “Thanks for the refund! Can you now ‘un-fund’ my refund and recharge my account? I mistook my package for garbage which is no reflection on how I view your products!” I now have a ton of clothes and two hats – one to wear and one to share! I’m pretty sure we will not meet the 50-pound weight limit for our suitcase but I’ll pay the extra money. I went through too much to get these clothes…they are going with me!
So my bags are packed with my big lady shorts and our sons are moving in while we’re gone to care for the house and dogs. Think good thoughts for us that we come back to no house fires, holes in the bathroom or dead plants. (Tommy and Matt…if you are reading this, I trust you immensely. All has been forgiven. Also…thank you for giving me years of writing material.) If you have gained weight and need some big lady shorts, please let me know. Mine will be available in a few weeks!